On top of the last three months this past week and a half has been miserable. My boyfriend and I broke up, very one sided, and I’ve taken it a lot harder than I thought. I laid in my living room just feeling totally hopeless. I started to get angry at myself. I was angry that I was so upset and affected by the breakup. It’s difficult to get out of bed, to feed my dogs, I hardly eat anymore, I don’t go hiking, I don’t clean my apartment etc. It’s pretty pathetic.
Today, however, I saw my counselor Mina. I always feel so much better after seeing her. I get to talk through everything and gain insight. Well today learned that I’ve been grieving (duh). Grieving the loss of something potentially great but realized that wasn’t all. As I talked to her I hardly spoke any about how I was upset with Tyler, because I’m not. I’m upset at myself. The relationship, or the end of it, isn’t even the main source of my depression as of late. It’s myself.
I realized I was angry, frustrated, sad, and many other feelings at myself. It started with the beginning of the relationship. I felt like it was moving too fast but ignored that feeling and let it move forward anyway. Then it was the birth control. I have a VERY strong opinion about birth control, even before taking it, but I threw those thoughts out the window and did it anyway. I cared about what other people thought about me. Telling me to suck it up my periods can’t be that bad. Well they are that bad, but I’d rather suffer through them than put up with birth control. So ultimately I threw all of my beliefs and values out the window and what went with all of that? Myself. I threw myself out the window.
I’m not just grieving the loss of a relationship and a friend I’m grieving over the loss of myself. I walk around not know how to feel, what to think , what to do. I’m so lost. I’ve never felt more alone.
I want to make it clear, the relationship moving too fast is no one’s fault but my own. I don’t blame him, not in the least. I just get mad when I see that if I just listened to myself and how I felt then things may have turned out differently. I want, and need, to find myself again. To recover from the damage, mentally and emotionally, birth control has done, and the damage I’ve done to myself. I’m on the right track. Today I’m choosing to wallow in my sadness and stop suffering. I finally got out hiking this weekend with the dogs. I started my laundry. I go to class and get my homework done. I’m starting to hang out with friends again. I got to the gym on a regular basis and getting back into Kung Fu as well. These are all things I love and make up who I am. If I keep it up then I have no choice but to find myself along the way.