A more personal post so don’t read if you think it may make you uncomfortable.

I’ve been going through a lot over the last 3 and a half months. I started, for the first time ever, birth control. I have terrible periods and decided to try and get them under control. The first one I tried I was only on for a week before deciding I couldn’t handle it. I had headaches on the time and was very irrational. Things that would never upset me would send me into crying fits. For hours. So I stopped and a few weeks late I started the mini pill.

Now, I thought this was the one. I felt fine, there were no adverse side effects and I never had to get another period (yay!). Well a month goes by and I start to feel a bit dejected. I thought maybe it was a funk. I started to see my counselor again, I reached out to a friend to help me learn how to meditate. I know I needed to start working out again and eating a bit healthier. So I slowly started. Well, nothing worked. I continued to feel detached and it just got worse. One day I woke up completely depressed. One week I spent four days straight crying. I cried at LEAST once every day, for four days. For two and a half months I didn’t feel like myself and it slowly got worse.

If any of you have had a panic attack you know how I felt. You feel as if you leave your body and watch as you cry, shake, and struggle to take a breath. That’s how it felt. No matter how rational I could think in my head it would never translate to my body. To my actions. I continued to do things I didn’t want to do. I had no control over my body or m feelings. I talked to a lot of people trying to get out of this funk. I would tell people I wanted to get back to who I was and the people who have similar beliefs as I (like the Tao) told me things I believed but deep down I couldn’t agree with. They would say, “There is no you then and you now.” They would tell me that this was a part of me and sometimes we’re up and sometimes we’re down. I appreciate the advice, and while normally I would agree this time I felt like they didn’t understand. This wasn’t me.

I’ve been depressed before. I know what it’s like. I’ve been up and I’ve been down in the dumps, but never have I felt like this. This was on a whole new level and no, this was not a part of who I was.

The depression, anxiety, and irrationality got so out of control that it put a lot of pressure on the relationship I was in. Things started to go south fast. I realized he was pulling away and I was losing him. A week ago I decided to stop taking the birth control. The first two days were still rough. Two days passed and the medicine was out of my system but I still didn’t feel like I was in complete control. My boyfriend, at the time, wanted to break. I told him I couldn’t do it. I told him I felt like I had nothing. I was in such a dark place and he could see it. We decided to stay together, at least for the time being.

The next day was still rough but I felt better. The fourth day I felt much better. By the end of the first week I felt like I was almost back to normal. It also showed me other symptoms the birth control was most likely the cause of. My anxiety was gone. My depression was gone. Everything I would worry about the week before I didn’t care about anymore. I could lay in bed at night and my mind wouldn’t be going a mile a minute. My mind was much more calm. My hypochondria was back to normal (while on the birth control I 100% believed I had MS, three cancers, diabetes, and dyslexia. Not I’m not joking, that’s truly how I felt). I could sleep again. Before I could never sleep more than four hours without waking up. I didn’t have nightmares anymore. I didn’t spend everyday crying about things that I had not control over. I started to feel more motivated. I started enjoying the things I loved to do again. This is who I am. Sometimes I feel as if I’m almost better than I was before going on the birth control. I was like a different person and that person is not who I am. It’s not even a part of me.

I feel much better. My boyfriend and I talked again tonight after going on a date. We broke up. I called a friend, took a hot shower, cried, had some positive self talk, ate some ice cream, and I know I’m going to be okay. I’m an amazing person. I feel bad that my boyfriend spend three and a half months out of a four month relationship getting to know someone that I wasn’t but I’ve done everything I can. It’s out of my hands, I’ve been through worse and I got through it, alive. I can do it again.

I’m not trying to scare anyone out of birth control. I’ve learned that hormonal birth control just isn’t for me. I’d rather put up with a terrible period and a roller coaster of emotions once a month than live in the mind of someone I’m not.

I’m just happy to say that I got through this. Thought nothing actually happened in my life (death of a family, running out of money etc, etc.) it felt as if my world was falling in on me. I’m happy I had the strength to recognize the cause and finally decided to stop it. I did lose my boyfriend but I’m okay. Everything is temporary. Bad feelings. Good feelings. Relationships. Nothing lasts forever.

I’ve never been in such a dark place and while other people have much bigger problems I just hope people realize they can get through it and their not alone. Their’s always someone. My closest friends are hundreds of miles away from me but their always their for me. Sometimes I do feel alone here but I’m not. And in the end I know I can rely on myself. I give myself a pat on my shoulder. Going through this has helped me see just how strong I’ve become and I’m proud of myself.