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10thousandthingseternal

Balance, Happiness, Peace

Month

January 2017

Gonna Be Alright

A more personal post so don’t read if you think it may make you uncomfortable.

I’ve been going through a lot over the last 3 and a half months. I started, for the first time ever, birth control. I have terrible periods and decided to try and get them under control. The first one I tried I was only on for a week before deciding I couldn’t handle it. I had headaches on the time and was very irrational. Things that would never upset me would send me into crying fits. For hours. So I stopped and a few weeks late I started the mini pill.

Now, I thought this was the one. I felt fine, there were no adverse side effects and I never had to get another period (yay!). Well a month goes by and I start to feel a bit dejected. I thought maybe it was a funk. I started to see my counselor again, I reached out to a friend to help me learn how to meditate. I know I needed to start working out again and eating a bit healthier. So I slowly started. Well, nothing worked. I continued to feel detached and it just got worse. One day I woke up completely depressed. One week I spent four days straight crying. I cried at LEAST once every day, for four days. For two and a half months I didn’t feel like myself and it slowly got worse.

If any of you have had a panic attack you know how I felt. You feel as if you leave your body and watch as you cry, shake, and struggle to take a breath. That’s how it felt. No matter how rational I could think in my head it would never translate to my body. To my actions. I continued to do things I didn’t want to do. I had no control over my body or m feelings. I talked to a lot of people trying to get out of this funk. I would tell people I wanted to get back to who I was and the people who have similar beliefs as I (like the Tao) told meĀ things I believed but deep down I couldn’t agree with. They would say, “There is no you then and you now.” They would tell me that this was a part of me and sometimes we’re up and sometimes we’re down. I appreciate the advice, and while normally I would agree this time I felt like they didn’t understand. This wasn’t me.

I’ve been depressed before. I know what it’s like. I’ve been up and I’ve been down in the dumps, but never have I felt like this. This was on a whole new level and no, this was not a part of who I was.

The depression, anxiety, and irrationality got so out of control that it put a lot of pressure on the relationship I was in. Things started to go south fast. I realized he was pulling away and I was losing him. A week ago I decided to stop taking the birth control. The first two days were still rough. Two days passed and the medicine was out of my system but I still didn’t feel like I was in complete control. My boyfriend, at the time, wanted to break. I told him I couldn’t do it. I told him I felt like I had nothing. I was in such a dark place and he could see it. We decided to stay together, at least for the time being.

The next day was still rough but I felt better. The fourth day I felt much better. By the end of the first week I felt like I was almost back to normal. It also showed me other symptoms the birth control was most likely the cause of. My anxiety was gone. My depression was gone. Everything I would worry about the week before I didn’t care about anymore. I could lay in bed at night and my mind wouldn’t be going a mile a minute. My mind was much more calm. My hypochondria was back to normal (while on the birth control I 100% believed I had MS, three cancers, diabetes, and dyslexia. Not I’m not joking, that’s truly how I felt). I could sleep again. Before I could never sleep more than four hours without waking up. I didn’t have nightmares anymore. I didn’t spend everyday crying about things that I had not control over. I started to feel more motivated. I started enjoying the things I loved to do again. This is who I am. Sometimes I feel as if I’m almost better than I was before going on the birth control. I was like a different person and that person is not who I am. It’s not even a part of me.

I feel much better. My boyfriend and I talked again tonight after going on a date. We broke up. I called a friend, took a hot shower, cried, had some positive self talk, ate some ice cream, and I know I’m going to be okay. I’m an amazing person. I feel bad that my boyfriend spend three and a half months out of a four month relationship getting to know someone that I wasn’t but I’ve done everything I can. It’s out of my hands, I’ve been through worse and I got through it, alive. I can do it again.

I’m not trying to scare anyone out of birth control. I’ve learned that hormonal birth control just isn’t for me. I’d rather put up with a terrible period and a roller coaster of emotions once a month than live in the mind of someone I’m not.

I’m just happy to say that I got through this. Thought nothing actually happened in my life (death of a family, running out of money etc, etc.) it felt as if my world was falling in on me. I’m happy I had the strength to recognize the cause and finally decided to stop it. I did lose my boyfriend but I’m okay. Everything is temporary. Bad feelings. Good feelings. Relationships. Nothing lasts forever.

I’ve never been in such a dark place and while other people have much bigger problems I just hope people realize they can get through it and their not alone. Their’s always someone. My closest friends are hundreds of miles away from me but their always their for me. Sometimes I do feel alone here but I’m not. And in the end I know I can rely on myself. I give myself a pat on my shoulder. Going through this has helped me see just how strong I’ve become and I’m proud of myself.

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Reconnecting

I get pretty down in the colder months of the year. It’s getting better each year but it’s still not great. I often disconnect with myself, who I want to be, and the things I love. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my boyfriend, but maybe too much. Like I wrote in my last post I haven’t been hiking, weightlifting, or done anything I usually love to do. Struggling with this internal struggle I realized that maybe it’s time to practice Wu Wei. There is such a thing as trying too hard.

So the last few days I started reading a new book, spending time alone, playing games I like, and today I took my dogs on a walk in the woods. I wouldn’t quite call it hiking but with snow sill on the ground I thought it would be fine. They really enjoyed it as did I.

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It’s jut a little bit but I can feel myself getting better and returning to the person I really want to be. This is a short post but I feel good and I wanted to write about it.

Impermanence

My last post was four months ago and it was about being a little lost, slipping back into old habits. Well a lot has happened in those four-months. I finished a semester of school, met tons of new people and friends, improved my Japanese, went to a Maroon 5 concert, saw old friends, and met a guy. Unfortunately, I’ve also become a different person and that’s not necessarily a good thing.

I was struggling a little bit four months ago but the last two or three months have been tough for me emotionally, mentally, and internally. I started seeing my counselor again and I’ve been desperate to get in touch with the Tao again; but every time I read it or read about it, or meditate on it, it’s like my brain just won’t let it sink in. I literally feel like two different people and it’s exhausting. The girl that’s coming back is not the girl who went hiking on her own every week, she’s not the girl who went to Alaska, she’s not the girl who felt like she could handle anything, good or bad, thrown her way. This is the girl who let an unhealthy relationship last longer than it should have. This is the girl who didn’t believe in herself, she didn’t trust anyone, all she does is worry. This girl hates herself.

Life is good. This semester has been amazing but ever since I started a new relationship I’ve changed. It’s not his fault, not at all, and I’m trying not to blame myself. I’m trying my best to show myself some compassion but it’s hard. I just end up being angry at myself. When you’re with someone new and you like them and you feel like you want to be with them all the time you find ways to make more time. That means you cut time away from the gym. Maybe just ten minutes less, then twenty, then thirty, until you don’t go at all. You go to Kung Fu practice less. If he doesn’t want to go hiking you don’t go either. It’s easy to do. It’s easy to get lost in something good. There are two reasons I’m trying not to be so hard on myself. 1) It’s a new relationship. I’m not perfect and I’m human. This could literally happen to anyone. 2) It’s winter. My counselor has told me I have SAD and as soon as it’s cold out I get depressed. I see less sun, it’s not warm, I don’t want to leave my warm apartment. This isn’t new and it’s biological. By saying it’s biological I’m not excusing myself for the behavior but I have to understand, and other people need to understand, fighting something that’s happening chemically in your body is hard to do. All I can do is think about how this time last year I was much, much worse. I need to focus on the progress I have made.

I know all of this. I know what I need to do. It’s still hard for me to do it and it’s hard for me to not be angry at myself when I mess up or slip back into old patterns.

I’ve been reading more and more on Taoism and even Buddhism recently and something that hits close to home is compassion, mindful thinking, and impermanence.

“Who are you without words, emotions?…

let the feelings come then ask who are you without them?”

Compassion should be show to everyone but if you can’t show compassion to yourself then you won’t be able to truly do it for others. Anyone who needs to hear this like I do I’m gonna write it here. You are all you have. Yes you’ve got friends, family, loved ones, pets, but ultimately how you see yourself is what really matters. If you don’t love yourself you can’t love others. If you can’t see that you’re beautiful you’ll fail to see the beauty in others. If you can’t show some compassion for yourself you won’t be able to do it for others. We are human. We are by no means perfect. Even in Buddhism it takes many lifetimes to reach enlightenment. You won’t do everything right and you have to be okay with that. Sometimes you’ll say things or do things you don’t mean. Forgive yourself.Be aware that you suffer too. It may be minor suffering like mine but it’s still suffering and in order to move forward you have to recognize it, show yourself some compassion, forgive yourself, then move forward.

Thinking mindfully is being aware of your own feelings. Why are you angry, sad, lonely, scared? Find the true causes of these feelings and accept them. Accept your past and your present and you can change these negative feelings into positive ones.

Impermanence. Nothing lasts forever. Even in lifelong relationships death eventually will separate you. This goes the same for feelings. Being happy doesn’t last forever but neither does sadness. Don’t let a moment of anger burn bridges you may want to cross later. Clear your head and think mindfully, show compassion for yourself and for others and you’ll see that it will pass. The negativity will pass.

My sadness won’t last. This internal battle between two people won’t last forever. I have a choice of letting one reign over the other and who I decide stays is up to me.

I’ve lost sight of who I want to be because I let go of who I was when I was happy and enjoying every up and down of life. I love hiking with my dogs and finding new waterfalls. I love to study Japanese and hope to be fluent one day. I love going to the gym and lifting weight. I love practicing Kung Fu. Without these what am I? I’m anxious, afraid, sad, and not me.

Writing this has made me feel better. When I write I can see everything I already know sorted out in front of me. I don’t need to be with someone I care about all the time to be with them. I don’t have to give up things I love to be with them. I’m only sabotaging something good by doing so.

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“Thus it is said:
The path into the light seems dark,
the path forward seems to go back,
the direct path seems long,
true power seems weak,
true purity seems tarnished,
true steadfastness seems changeable,
true clarity seems obscure,
the greatest are seems unsophisticated,
the greatest love seems indifferent,
the greatest wisdom seems childish.”

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