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10thousandthingseternal

Balance, Happiness, Peace

Month

August 2016

Self Talk

Sometimes it’s hard to believe in yourself.

Believing in myself is something I have struggled with since…forever. It’s not like I didn’t have the mom who told me “You can be anything!” I just never believed her. In the past, especially as a teenager, I clung onto the negative. I clung onto the words of the people who told me “No” or made me feel silly for asking questions. I did this for a long time, even into college. However, while in high school I was given a tool by my first counselor that would help me eventually overcome this. She told me about how children hear the negative and remember the negative for more than the positive. I’ve thought about this again and again and still think about it today. It reminds me to not cling to those negative words.

As life goes, however, I sometimes still fail at doing so.

Even with my newly discovered self have those days where I doubt myself and hear only the negative things people say. Of course this is normal. As the Tao says, sometimes we’re up and sometimes we’re down, but I’d like to make these days far and few between. In my opinion they still show up too often.

I’m going somewhere with this. Really.

Well I’ve noticed that even with all of my positivity (which is apparently not a word?) I’m still very very bad at self talk. You know, those conversations you have with yourself. For me they usually end up like this: “You’re not good enough. No matter what you do it’s never enough. You’re ugly. You’ll never accomplish any of your goals. What makes you think you can do that?” and it goes on…. Pretty bad…I know. But I’m aware that it’s terrible. Would you ever say this to anyone else? If you would, you’re not a very nice person, but most people wouldn’t. So why say these things about yourself?

I started thinking about it a while back and thought, “Maybe I’ve heard it so much from people that I started to believe it.” That makes sense. It’s does happen, but that’s not why I say these things to myself because nobody has ever said those things to me before. No one but me. So where does it come from? This is something I explored with my last counselor and we came to the conclusion that I’m somewhat a perfectionist and I hate failure. So, here how that works for me. I want to be the best at something but if there is someone better than me instead of working to reach the same level I give up before I can fail. So many time I’ve given up something because of the possibility of failing. That’s the short version of that.

Recently I’ve come upon a new source of confidence. My black belt.

Never in my life have a completed a long term goal. Ever. I’m not kidding. Whether it be related to school, riding, writing or fitness I’ve never reached the long term goals I set for myself. I’ve always wanted a black belt in something (I mean who doesn’t?). It shows your dedication, determination, strength, and discipline in that specific art. Even when I was a brown belt in Kung Fu I still had those thoughts that I would never be a black belt. I told myself I didn’t deserve it and reminded myself I’ve never finished anything that I’ve started. Then I got my black belt.

What do you know…I did it. I finally completed a long term goal.

“How long are you gonna live your life thinking everybody else is better than you?”

-Kimi ni Todoke

It’s not just completing the goal that gave me more confidence. You see, I also compare myself to literally everybody. When I go to the gym to workout I notice the women who are prettier, stronger, and more athletic than I am. I do the same thing when I go to a yoga class. The same thing at school. I especially did this with one of my best friends. I constantly put her on a pedestal. She’s one of the most amazing people I know, I still believe this. I feel like she’s perfect and can do anything. One thing I looked up to is her black belt. How cool! I always thought that. Now I have one too. Not only did obtain a goal (finally!) but I’ve done something that my best friend has done. This doesn’t sound like a deal but it really is. The fact that I’ve accomplished even one thing that she has accomplished makes me feel like I can do anything.

Anyway, I’m writing this on a not so great day. It’s not that my day was bad, it wasn’t, but emotionally, internally, It’s not a very good day. Especially for my self talk. So I’m writing this almost like letter to myself. I’m writing this to remind myself that I’m capable of doing anything. I can achieve my goals and I know this because I’ve done it. I am capable of finally getting the abs I’ve wanted! I can get A’s in all my classes. I can do the splits! (which I actually did for the first time today!)

It’s truly amazing the power of the brain. Believe in yourself and you can accomplish anything. Just remember, having others believe in you is always nice but you must believe in yourself.

I’ll end it with one of my favorite quotes (actually from My Little Pony but it’s perfect):

“No matter how many times others tell you you’re great, all the praise in the world means nothing if you don’t feel it inside. Sometimes to feel good about yourself, you gotta let go of the past. That way, when the time comes to let your greatness fly, you’ll be able to light up the whole sky.”

-Spike

 

 

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Black is the New White

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Cheesy title, I know. I’ve written in my last few posts that I’ve been in a slump lately, having no motivation and just feeling a little down in general. Well after yesterday, August 13, 2016, I feel as if I’ve found what I’ve been needing.

About three years ago my Kung Fu brothers and I started Shaolin Kung Fu. Yesterday we all tested to first black. It was a great test, probably our best ever! It’s an amazing feeling to get your black belt after three years of training, dedication, hard work and eating bitter. However, after going on this long journey to black I’ve learned that black is just the beginning. It’s now that the really hard work starts and I have to be more dedicated than ever. With black comes a whole new load of responsibilities. Thanks to the many friends and teachers we’ve made it this far and have so much more to go.

Therefore the Master
acts without doing anything
and teaches without saying anything.
Things arise and she lets them come;
things disappear and she lets them go.
She has but doesn’t possess,
acts but doesn’t expect.
When her work is done, she forgets it.
That is why it lasts forever.

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I’m excited to start this brand new journey and it’s just what I’ve been needing. I’ve really struggled with confidence in every aspect but also in my martial arts, it was in this test that I finally saw a little more confidence come out and translate into my martial arts. I’m excited to keep learning and get better.

Stay tuned!!

What I Seek

Knowing others is intelligence;
knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength;
mastering yourself is true power.

33

I’ve decided to write a little more about why I’m trying to blog more and what kind of journey I’m going on exactly. To start I’ll tell you more about myself, my life, and my dreams. For starters, I don’t have an especially sad story, but I’ve been through my own share of personal struggles and everything is relative.

Growing up I’ve always been very shy, and self-conscious. I harbored a lot of self hate and even now I constantly compare myself to those around me. This has stopped from doing many things I’ve wanted to do. In high school I was depressed and saw a counselor for a few years (till I left for college). It was a great help and I loved my counselor but I was still very young and at the time I didn’t realize that going to a counselor wasn’t going to fix all my problems.

In college I was still depressed. I hardly had any friends, was alone a lot and just struggled with the image I had of myself. I literally hated who I was. So, I started to see another counselor my third year of college. She was also amazing. She helped me through a few tough break ups but she also jump started my interest in Taoism. I started to learn that I could see a counselor and it would help but it could only help so much. I had to also help myself. You see your counselor maybe once or twice a week, well, what about all the days in between? That’s up to you. Finally, I realized this and started to work on myself through counseling and on my own.

My biggest goal was to be healthy and balanced. I needed to find a way to be emotionally healthy, mentally healthy, physically healthy, and socially healthy. At the times I was completely out of balance. I worked out all the time so I was physically healthy but in every other aspect I was lacking and with the help of my counselor I discovered a lot of this was due to the self hate and the amount of pressure I put on myself. This wasn’t about other people not liking me and not wanting to be my friend! No. This was about me not liking myself and believing I wasn’t good enough for anyone or to do anything worth while.

Well, after a few years of seeing my counselor she told me one day, with tears in her eyes, that I didn’t need her anymore. That’s not to say I was completely fixed, one hundred percent balanced or anything like that. It meant I was in a much better place than I was and I had the tools and drive to better myself on my own.13652932_10210056074988262_1239694355102842871_o

Today, I have more friends than I’ve ever had. I actually think I’m pretty cool and I have a lot more confidence. My journey is about the woman I am and the woman I want to be. I am by no means perfect. I’m far, far, far from perfect. I still struggle occasionally with body image, motivation, and self-love, but I’ve come a long way. I will never be perfect but I know I can be better. I still have ups and downs but they are far and few between, and less dramatic. These good and bad moments with myself are always going to happen because that’s what balance is. For something to be good something has to be bad. All I want is balance and happiness.

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F.R.I.E.N.D.S

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I often think about the quote “We don’t see things as they are; we seem them as we are.” -Talmund/Anaïs Nin. Well, if this is true then I’m awesome, because the people I surround myself with are incredible people. These are just a few of the great friends I have! Really words can’t describe what my friends mean to me. All of them. Including the ones I don’t see or talk to much. I just know some really really amazing, beautiful people.

The friends I’ve made in the last year are all a part of my journey. This may be biased on my part but sometimes I feel like they are more relevant to my life than many previous friends that I’ve had, but maybe these friends a result of my journey. I’ve changed a lot and the people I hang out with have changed. By this I mean, I really didn’t have many friends before. I was always shy, depressed, self conscious etc. You know the usual. Now, I’m completely different. I love my life and my friends are a part of what make it so amazing.

“Knowing others is intelligence;
knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength;
mastering yourself is true power.”

-33

I do see myself in these people but I also see room for improvement, on my part. These people are driven, beautiful, inspiring, smart, and all of the other positive adjective you could use to describe these people, but it shows me where I still lack. My journey will never be over, not until I’m dead. So for now I use every moment, such as the night in this picture, to learn more about myself, about people, and how I can improve. I can’t wait! ❤

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